Of Monsters and Pen

 

“Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly

I wanna see you be brave”

Sara Bareilles, Brave

 It was 3:00 am. I couldn’t sleep.

Half an hour ago the baby had woken up, crying.  I soothed her for awhile, kissed her little head, and gently put her back to bed.

I shuffled back to my own bed and lay down, but I couldn’t fall asleep.  My mind raced.  Yesterday had started out as a normal day.  Then one negative experience led to another and another. As the mother, I tried to stay positive and strong, helping my family process emotions. In the end, I, too caved to the negative atmosphere. I had gone to bed hoping to wake to a fresh, new start on a new day, but after the brief awaking, all of the negative thoughts had returned, and wouldn’t leave.

Half an hour later, I got up again.  I needed to take action if I ever wanted to go back to sleep.  Quietly, I snuck into the kitchen, found a pen and a spiral bound notebook, and sat down at the kitchen table.  I opened the notebook.  Most of the pages were filled with small-child doodles.  I found a mostly-blank page and started writing.

If you have read my blog in the past, this probably looks familiar to you. But I can’t over-emphasize the importance of this principle:  If you want to get something out of your head, put it down on paper. It really is that simple.  All of the tools I use are simple, but they only work when I use them.

I am not certain what inspired Edward Bulwer-Lytton to write the words, “The pen is mightier than the sword,” but I have learned that the pen also defeats the negative comments that enter people’s heads.

There are a few important guidelines to note:

1. You must write.  Thinking about the problem will not work.  Thoughts stay in your head and do not leave. Telling another person doesn’t work; even if you feel relieved, you have just slimed somebody else with your muck.  Don’t do that! Use paper and pen. Or something else that writes. Once, when I was on vacation and couldn’t find any paper in the middle of the night, I used my child’s lap-sized dry-erase board. I filled up the board, then started back at the top, writing on top of the words I had already written.  When I got to the bottom, I started over again.
2. Write everything that pops into your head.  Swear words, insults, everything.  You don’t want those things to stay in your head!  If your mind wanders off on a tangent, go with it! Your brain is smart and knows what it needs to de-junk.
3. When you reach a point where there is nothing left, wait a minute.  Keep your pen on the paper.  Sometimes your brain will start spitting out something else.  Write it down.  I recommend pushing through at least two “pauses” to make sure you get it all out.
4. When your head is finally empty, get rid of the junk!  My kids love to burn their papers; its fun to watch fire destroy all of that negative yuck, sending it out to oblivion.  But tearing the paper into little pieces and throwing it away is also effective.

This process usually takes me about fifteen minutes.  Then I can go back to sleep without a problem.  I also use this tool when I am mad at somebody and need to vent before I can communicate calmly.  It works like a charm.

Are you ready for a deeper level?

I have slowly been sharing the process I used to conquer Depression.  Well, using the Write-and-Burn method to destroy negative thoughts was another key tool.

I experienced many bumps on the road to complete healing.  I expected bumps would occur, but one day in particular was very bad.  My family had left for a while, and I sat alone in my bedroom, swarmed with self-defeating thoughts.  Actually, I sat in the bottom of my closet, the most isolated and closed off place I could find.  The negative thoughts shot at me like fiery darts; I could feel them hitting my head.  I was crying.  I was screaming and pulling my hair, desperately trying to yank those awful thoughts and images out of my head.  I needed help, but I was alone. From somewhere deep in the back of my mind, one hopeful thought started to rise: I knew that if I could get these awful thoughts down on paper, I could get them out of my head. 

My legs and arms felt like lead as I forced myself to open the door and crawl out of the closet. It took immense effort to crawl through the bathroom, back into my bedroom, and open the drawer to the nightstand.  I pulled out a pen and notebook (are you picking this up? Keep a notebook and pen next to your bed).  I sat on the floor, and opened the notebook.  Words would not come.  I was so overwhelmed with the awful thoughts and images that I could not even form words with my hand.  I was still crying.  I could not create words, so I began to draw the images in my head. 

My hand moved across the page, blue ink flowing from the movements.  A monster took shape on the paper: a big, scary dragon, breathing fire. I am no artist, and you will not see my drawing in a museum, but pulling that thing out of my head and imprisoning him on the paper freed the rest of my mind.  When I saw the scary beast, and realized he was no longer inside of me, I took my pen and scribbled him out with deep strokes that tore through several pages. I ripped him up and threw the pieces in the trash can.  Then, I was able to take my notebook and write words.  Every negative thought, every fiery dart, went down on the paper until there was nothing left.  I shredded them all, and tossed them in the trash. The garbage truck took them away, and all of those awful thoughts and images have decomposed and dissipated back into the earth, never to be seen again.

Dear friends, after more than a decade of fighting that monster, that was the last time he ever tried to get me to end my own life. I beat him! He is out of my head forever! I still have more to share about healing completely, but I want you to know that 80 percent of it is capturing and destroying the negative comments that pop into your head.  I have shared with you two very simple, and very effective tools for doing this: 1. capturing a negative thought and turning it around into a positive one (see this post), and 2. Write and burn.

So many people on this planet are being pounded with negative thoughts. The goal of the Adversary is to make each person feel so bad about himself that he will isolate himself from people who can help him.  Then, when he is alone, those negative comments try to convince him to take himself off of the planet.

Please, fight back! The tools, the weapons are easy to use.  Teach them to other people.  We are fighting a very real war with a very real Adversary.  If you don’t believe it, go write that lie down on paper and destroy it.  Because, You are under attack. 

“But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.” Mosiah 4:30